So…I’m going to take a break from my Zelda based love affair of the last few weeks (because I’m writing a GHoF about it). But any way this week I’m going to do a top 5. I’m going to do my top 5 awful games that I happen to own on the PS2 for no apparent reason (yup, I’m actually naming the blog that). This introduction isn’t long enough yet, so I’ll set the scene. Basically I own a stupid amount of PS2 games (it’s getting close to 100 nowadays but I haven’t counted in awhile). Basically if I see a PS2 game in a shop that’s below £3 I’m going to buy it. If the box art looks horrible I’m even more likely to pick it up. Following this model I’ve collected some of the worst games to grace Sony’s juggernaut of aconsole. Shall we begin?
5: Robin Hoods Quest (a full review of the game)
What? You’ve never heard of it? Then consider yourself lucky. This is literally one of the worst games ever made. Truly fitting of it’s own wing in the Gaming Hall of Shame, right next to E.T. In fact the only reason this game isn’t higher up on the list is because it had such a small release and is so unknown. The game offends in many ways. Firstly when you think of a game about Robin Hood and his outlaws of Sherwood, you think of people holding up the rich and giving to the poor, you think of daring raids and of course bow and arrows. Not in this game, you don’t. You don’t have a weapon, all you do is move around a maze and attempt not to be spotted. Not in a fun Metal Gear Solid sort of way either.More In a tedious “how the hell was this ever made” kind of way. Seriously this is a game that never needed to be made. If it was released as an early PS1 game, then I’m sure it would be a cult classic. I think this is also a good time to mention that it both plays and looks like a PS1 game. It was, however, released in 2007 (the PS3 was out at this point) and holds the hallmark of all great games on the PS2, a blue disk! The game also features some fantastic dialogue that could have come out of the best works of Ed Wood. Seriously, it’s so stilted. The game just reeks of laziness, the kind of laziness that would draw a gaming sadist like me in.
4: Portal Runner
Do you remember the Army Man franchise? Yeah they were fun little games. Nothing truly game changing but still fun. Do you remember the spin off? What you don’t? Well it sucked. That’s about it. The game was just awful. To be fair to the game it was developed by 3DO who I have a small vendetta against, because their failed console is too damn expensive to add to my collection, also they make a lot of bad games. They had a policy of rushing games on to the market in 6 month cycles. This of course always led to poor sales and poor games. In the end 3DO died with a whimper and all the staff were laid off without pay. But never mind that, back to the game. Portal Runner is not only boring, it also has some of the worst controls I’ve ever experienced. The movement is in relation to the camera position. So if the camera is facing forward then forward is backwards; if the camera if pointing to the left of you then forward is left. At least I think this is the reason. I’ve never really discovered anything else to explain it. The first time I played it I thought my control was broken. Really! You should check it out.
3: Crazy Frog Racing
I’m not putting this game in the list because of poor track design (though it does have that), or for the annoying soundtrack, or the uninspired characters, or even for its lack of diversity and customisation. I’m putting this game at number 3 because I finished it without pressing a direction key. On the easiest difficulty I just held the accelerate button and rode the wall around the track to take first place. The game is just aproduct of the cash cow. Crazy Frog was popular (for some reason) so it made sense to expand the brand while his star was still shining. The thing is the game is so uninspired that the money making scheme is obvious to everyone except stoners transfixed on a frog with a dangling penis riding an invisible motorbike (who I’m sure were the target audience).
2: World Fighting
First off, I know this is a budget title, and that I shouldn’t expect much, and to be fair when I got it I wasn’t. The thing is it fell in to the category of boring bad. It wasn’t bad enough to have kitsch value, but wasn’t good enough to actually be good. Instead it’s just a boring game that is incredibly easy, and very formulaic. I’m pretty sure you could give this game to a chimp and teach it to press “X” a lot and it would beat this game. Seriously I can’t put into words how disappointed I was with this game. When I paid 32p for it I was expecting at least 32 pence worth of entertainment. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get that. I just got so much boredom. The characters are all really boring and uninspired. There is a kick boxer, who is basically the same as the boxer except he has added kicks. A pro wrestler, who is basically the same as the boxer and kick boxer, except he grapples. Then there are the Jiu Jitsu andMuay Thai guys who are actually the same. The only character that is actually different is the swimsuit model, and to unlock her you have to beat the game with everyone else. It’s a horrible game. I just despise it.
And number one goes to…
Oh my god! A game based on a film from my childhood. There is no way this can suck. There is absolutely no way…Oh wait, I was wrong. This is actually one of the worst games I’ve ever played. The game has about two pieces of music in its soundtrack. Although there is meant to be 12 mini-games there is actually only three, the rest are just clones. It also happens to be one of those games that are incredibly boring. You spend ages going around the board hoping that there isn’t going to be another mini-game, but there always is. Just likeJumanji in the film, once you get in you can’t get out. That however is the only comparison. The game has nothing to do with the film. There is no reference except the name. They should call this game ‘generic jungle board game’, in fact I’m pretty sure it was intended that way and the dev somehow got hold of the film licence (quite a while after release I add) andchanged the name. I implore anyone who hasn’t played this game to keep away; this game has no redeemable features. It has nothing. It sucks worse than every other game on this list added together. Trust me keep away. If you play this game “In the jungle, you must wait ’til the dice read five or eight.” I added that in as a warning, but you should take it seriously.
Any way that’s my list. If you have one of your own feel free to post it in the comments, or tweet me. Either or really.
Edit: check out Ian’s top 5 ps1 games. He doesn’t play bad games like me.